If Only I Had Known...: Avoiding Common Mistakes in Couples Therapy
Assuming she hasn't already closed the door entirely on ever trusting you again, eventually, your steadfast empathy for the pain she feels at not being sure she can trust you, will get through. If you view the accusations as an expression of her fear and pain of being betrayed again, and a cry for your steadfast love and reassurance, it will make it easier to figure out what to do. A year and a half may seem like a long time for her to still be in so much pain and fear, but that's not much time for a broken heart. Being patient, reassuring, acknowledging the pain and fear she is feeling when she makes accusations will eventually disarm her, because acknowledging her pain will eventually help her trust and will reduce the fear impulse.
Acknowledge the pain and fear and love her through it. I suspect that not responding to her has made her feel that you are apathetic.
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You must find a way to express empathy for her fears and heartache while reassuring her that your fidelity is solidly steadfast. I can connect with the comments of the unfaithful in this case. My problem is related to porn and have taken steps toward accountability and internet filtering. I have tried my best to be patient and to take steps that I know to take.
Need help with showing my empathy or emotion enough so that my wife feels safe. My lack of outward emotion is being taken as apathy on my part or that I simply do not care, which is not the case. I am almost ready to give up. My husband and I have been married for 3 years Lived together for two prior to marriage- he is in his 50's and I in my 40's. Not our first marriage. I thought. I found. Someone mature and settled. It wasn't until after we were married that I discovered the affair!
Included were photos shared. I was furious! He stated the affair ended in Dec. However, I receive cruel notes on my door , calls in the middle of the night and emails from this woman. A restraining order haseen taken out- in front of the judge this woman lies and denies she sent the emails etc. Since I cannot prove it The case was dropped.
The threats cont as well as the accusations that they still see each other! I moved out- back to my home. He was sincerely apologetic.
I do love him and decided to try to work through it. I am still angry- I still ask question- I am still hurt! He tells me to get over it already! Curses at me, calls me names. I am now on guard when he interacts with any woman- he is extremely jovial when another woman pays attention to him yes I give him attention and never denied him anything emotionally, intimately He defends other women, however continues to point out my flaws as if I don't already know- he deflects and turns the argument on me as if I have done wrong.
I am not ugly, I am not overweight I don't know why he has to insult ME- when all I want is answers. I discovered his current affair about 6 months ago. Thought we were moving forward, than found text between them in October. He has since acknowledged he has been seeing another s for at least 16 years. Believe he lost sexual interest in me after our child was born. I am a pretty woman, talented in many ways.
My friends and colleagues would tell you I am anything but dull or unsexy. But he has put me in a box. Would you be able to repost or send me that audio recording about" Why her" Our marriage is done as he has told me he can't lie to me further as he is disgusted with himself.
He will not come clesn about the current or recent affair. I appreciate it if you could attach that post as I no longer can find it. It made me feel much better as he has been trying to blame me, but I realized hearing that posting it really is not me at all. Thankyou Jeannine. I had to read this to her as I don't think she wanted to read on her own but the steps had our relationship to a T i hope. I wish my man had the type of care for me to read this. He doesn't. I found out about the unfaithfulness almost a year ago.
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His reaction as been to do pretty much all the above. I, the last year tried to suppress my hurt and disappointment. It worked most of the past year until now. Im so angry at myself, at him, at love in general. I cry soo much. I want him to talk to me. He shuts me out and avoids it or gaslights. Its to the point i feel my love for him is dying. He hasn't been there for me to find closure. I've been left to figure answers myself which obviously are horrific.
I am the type of personality that needs lots of questions answered to process information.
He has gone totally left with that. This is a God-send website. I just found out my best-friend, lover, love of my life, whom I adore and am in love with cheated on me. When I suspected it as a result of finding inappropriate text messages or email, the issue quickly became my fault for "going through my stuff" privacy this and that - I would be the "bad" person for going through and saying something!
But the issue of cheating made it's way to me by way of an STD and God knows I have been faithful since the moment I laid eyes on him! I am finding it difficult and almost impossible to talk to my 3 close friends but am finally getting some relief from this website. The videos you have made are priceless and I am praying that their impact on my best friend, and love of my life will be such that I don't have to suffer through the turmoil of the mistakes he's already making avoidance talking about it, impatience "get over it" telling me it's over, but coming home late -- phone in the bathroom still, texting in the bathroom : it's all devastating and I'm hanging on by just a thin thread right now.
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Please pray for me as this is the most unbelievable paralyzing pain that leaves me feeling ashamed, dishonored, I feel less of a woman, I feel deep deep sadness, I'm crying all the time, I've loss my appetite. I am also very devastated that the other woman knows me, and knows how crazy in love I was with this man - and still chose to go down that path with him. I try hard to think of anything else but that situation, and I am so grateful when 2 hours go by and I haven't thought about it.
But then there's moments in the day and night when I get a vision in my head and it makes me just want to cry out and curl up in a ball. And well, for me - what that means is that he was willing to risk our relationship. Not ever in a million years. I just hoped he felt the same about me. So my reality is that I am not "that" special after all.
Thank you for allowing me to post my thoughts. The past few minutes have been therapeutic for me and the pain is just overwhelming. I find myself wanting to accommodate him almost allowing him to control how we handle this situation. That helped me feel validated and confirmation that I am responding in a normal manner. I found out two week ago.